"I confused happiness with something that caused me pain."
It all started when I was ten years old. I didn't like how I looked, I didn't like my body, and when I looked in the mirror I would burst into tears . And this turned into a barrage of negative thoughts: you're worthless, you're fat, nobody will ever love you with that body, nobody likes you... I succumbed to the cycle of wanting to be thin , because I thought that was happiness.
From there I moved on to obsessive internet searches, making myself vomit, and feeling disgusted by food. And that's how the disorder took hold of me, with guilt, fear, loneliness, emptiness, anguish, moodiness, and mental exhaustion. I thought about food all day long; I lived for it. I hadn't even finished eating before I was already thinking about what I was going to have for dinner.
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I've had some difficult periods with several interruptions in my life, and I haven't completed a full year of secondary school , since I was often hospitalized during some terms, sometimes for a month, other times for two. It was very hard for me to stop my life , my routine, my studies, and go to a center without my parents, facing what I feared most: loneliness, and always with the fear of gaining weight during my stay there. The truth is, I had my moments; there were times when I felt like jumping for joy and others when I couldn't even stand up. And what I found worst was being watched 24 hours a day: cameras everywhere and the desire to reward me after meals, but they wouldn't let me move from the sofa, while I thought: "If I don't move, I'm going to gain weight."
I would look in the mirror and think: you're worthless, you're fat, nobody will love you with that body, nobody likes you... And I would burst into tears.
It was tough, and I don't like to remember it, but I suppose the pain is part of the recovery process . And I also met some incredible people, who I wish could see themselves as half as beautiful as I do, but it's hard to see our own worth through the eyes of someone with an eating disorder.
Sometimes you say "that's it," and somehow you regress. If you feel the same way, don't blame yourself. You, more than anyone, know how difficult it is and how hard you're trying, because it's a constant battle against that mind invaded by the disorder , against that ball of negative thoughts. You have to keep moving forward, even though the path sometimes has obstacles that make you fall, but don't doubt that, just as you fell, you can get back up. Fall as many times as you need to, and gather the necessary strength and take your fear by the hand to keep walking. Giving up is not an option. Don't fool yourself; what you feel when you think about living another day with the disorder is panic.
Nuria Vilademunt
In the long run, you'll regret not eating cake on your birthday, not going to someone special's anniversary just because you didn't want to eat that food... Eating disorders steal those little parts of life , of your life. So trust the process and, above all, trust yourself; every effort has its reward, and even if everything seems dark at first, it's just a matter of time before you reach your goal, that inner light that will bring back your true self, your desire, your smile, and the sparkle in your eyes.
Love yourself just as you are and remember that perfection doesn't exist, that all bodies are beautiful and equally valuable.
Gisella contacted SOM Mental Health 360 saying: "I am 16 years old and I would really like to explain what it has meant for me to have a mental health disorder and help in some way other girls who may be going through this."
Here is her testimony about the hardship of having an eating disorder, a sincere and painful voice, but with a very hopeful message, which ends with good advice: "Love yourself as you are and remember that perfection does not exist, that all bodies are beautiful and equally valuable."
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